Adamswife’s Weblog

“Morning people should be forced to milk cows.” -J Kellerman in Monster

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I have been thinking a lot lately. In fact that’s about all I have been doing. I was awakened this morning by a phone call that Ed had taken a fall during the night. I was assured that he had not hurt himself in any significant way. While I am concerned for his well-being, I have absolutely no desire to get myself dressed and go to the nursing home to see him.

I have had chronic pancreatitis for 15 years. During that time I have learned that being seriously ill can cause selfishness. When you are that ill, you have to think about yourself and your needs. You are not physically able to do much for anyone but yourself, if you can even take care of yourself. I believe one of the great causes of depression is not being of service to someone other than yourself. Service is the key to mental health.

This year has been one of the worst for me — illness-wise – since the early days of the pancreatitis. I have had a pacemaker installed, put my husband in a nursing home, had a parathyroidectomy, and caught a parasite that gave me diarrhea every day for 6 weeks and caused problems for several weeks beyond that. I am finally beginning to feel better than I have for 18 months or more. But I’ve got out of the habit of being well.I know that I am suffering from depression. For today, at least, I don’t care. I am content to sit in my pajamas and watch Christmas movies on tv. I fully realize how selfish I am being. And, again, for today I don’t care.

I have no reason to get up and dressed in the mornings other than my own mental health, which we’ve already established I don’t care about. I should go see Ed at least 3 times a week, but most of the time he doesn’t know whether I’ve been there or not, so why bother? I am taking anti-depressant medication. I have contemplated the benefits of a counselor or support group. The truth is, I pretty well know all the answers – I could likely conduct a group dedicated to dealing with depression. It’s not that I don’t know what to do, it’s finding the impetus to do it. How do I learn to care enough to do what I know? Where is my motivation for getting off my fanny and out of my misery? Who needs me or counts on me for anything? Am I strong enough to make changes for myself? Once started on a better course, can I keep going? Or am I doomed to failure?


11 Responses to “Ruminations”

  1. adamswife said

    I have a private journal in which I could post these thoughts and wonderings. I’m not sure why I choose to put them here, instead. Maybe I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. Today I walked over to the NH to see Ed after I showered and dressed. Progress on the learning to care thing. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

  2. adamswife said

    Feeling much better, depression-wise than when I started this page. Today I am winning the war. I have been listening to Light Classics and Christmas music frequently lately. I think the music really helps in the fight against depression. It gets my dancing and singing along. Who can be depressed when they dance or when they sing?

  3. Zazzy said

    I find, as I spew confused thoughts and feelings onto the net, that I’m more honest with myself. There are people able to point out the BS. Not that I’m a blogging role model! LOL

    Out of the habit of feeling well is a good way of putting it. Even more than that, I think I look at feeling well as short term and don’t trust it.

  4. adamswife said

    Exactly! This year, especially, I have developed a “what’s next” attitude. I’ve tried so many times to get stronger, eat better, be healthier only to be stopped by the next thing that attacks my body. I’m rather afraid to keep trying to improve things. Fear of failure?

  5. adamswife said

    It has long been my policy when in an uncomfortable situation to look for someone more miserable and try to make them feel welcome. Following this tradition, I recently met a lady at church whose only son is in prison, her only daughter has left the nest, and I’m not sure if she is widowed or divorced, but she is alone. I introduced myself to her, told her I am also very lonely at times and invited her to call me when she would like some company. We are having dinner together this evening at Perkins. It’s kind of difficult for me to have a normal social life right now – I am still married, but do not have a companion. It’s nice to have someone other than my daughter that I can spend time with.

  6. adamswife said

    I thoroughly enjoyed my evening out. I had the Mushroom Swiss Chicken sandwich and French fries. It was marvelous. Of course, anything that’s not toast and cheese and I didn’t have to fix it myself is wonderful. 🙂

  7. adamswife said

    I have been making steady progress in overcoming the depression. Today is a bit of a set-back. I think maybe it’s the 12 or so inches of snow on the ground and the blizzard watch that is in effect for the next 26 hours. I’ll have to keep working on feeling upbeat and happy – and getting some exercise.

  8. adamswife said

    I am feeling much less depressed than when I began this page. I’m not sure how much is due to the meds and how much is me getting better. I’m still not taking very good care of myself as far as diet and exercise. But, I do try not to wallow. I have set myself two challenges this year: Read and report on 50 books, and use up most if not all of my yarn stash to make warm things to give away next Christmas. Being productive is a great way to fight against depression!

  9. aden said

    Hey, i dont usualy read or write blog stuff but i stumbled across this doing an assignment. It realy caught my attention as it was so deep and i could really feel the emotion and see a deep searching in what you were writing. Anyway I just want you to know that purpose, belonging and identity is what every human being needs to have life, And i KNOW 100% without a doubt that Jesus Christ offers you the greatest purpose, belonging and identity that you could ever imagine. Jesus Christ is you true creator, father and friend, he is perfect in every way and loves you more then anyone ever could. This alone shows your belonging (in a relationship with him), shows your identity (a child of the most high God, loved and adored, created to share in the power and strength of your father)and shows your purpose (to be loved, to love back and share this great news with the rest of his lost children). Like i said, i KNOW this is true and he is real, you can search for all eternity but never will you be fullfilled but with him. He longs to be with you and for you to know him.

    If you want to know more please email me.

  10. Strike Out said

    Hi, just started a blog myself, was poking around looking for other blogs, came across yours and here I am posting. I just want to tell you I enjoy your subtle humor, and your writing style. I wrote the book on depression and I am here to tell ya…some days you just need to be selfish, self absorbed and completely unproductive, if it is your intent to survive. Keep writing, words are your friend.

  11. adamswife said

    I don’t know if the meds have really kicked in or if I am moving away from the depression. Whichever I am happy to report that I am feeling much better these days. And I care about many things – not to the point of over-anxiety, but to the point of action. I have taken a new approach to my diet and it seems to be working for me. I’m better physically which greatly improves the emotional outlook. I’ll talk more about the dietary changes when I have a couple weeks of success to show.

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